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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25214536">To Say Goodbye</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/t_writes/pseuds/t_writes'>t_writes</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>9-1-1 Week 2020 [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Buckley Siblings, Established Relationship, Funeral, M/M, Original Character(s), his parents are peripheral but still somehow a part of this story</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 11:42:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,900</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25214536</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/t_writes/pseuds/t_writes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>911 Week 2020 • Day 5: "I'm not going."+ angst</p><p> </p><p>also on <a href="https://bombera.tumblr.com/post/623405322114121728/to-say-goodbye">Tumblr</a></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>9-1-1 Week 2020 [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1824334</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>125</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>To Say Goodbye</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“What do you mean you’re not going?” Maddie is on the verge of yelling. Buck can tell that she’s restraining herself by her white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel.</p><p>“I said what I said,” Buck says childishly from the passenger seat. “And you can’t make me.”</p><p>“Buck,” Maddie says exasperatedly, “this isn’t just some family get together we can blow off. It’s our aunt’s funeral.”</p><p>“I know. And I’ll pay my respects to her. In private,” Buck emphasizes that last part. He hasn’t seen his parents in—<em>oh shit</em>—something nearing a decade. God, should he be considering himself old? Is 29 old?</p><p>Maddie got quiet after that and Buck got comfortable, mind drifting off as the radio station crackled in and out of range.</p><p>“Then why did you come with me? We’re already halfway to Pennsylvania. And you choose now to tell me that you’re not going to the actual funeral?” Maddie just sounds tired now. Buck feels guilt like a stab in the gut.</p><p>The truth is, Buck had been afraid that if he let her go without him he might never see his sister again. It sounds silly now. But, the last time they parted it took five years for them to find each other again. Buck doesn’t even know what he thinks would happen. Something dramatic and unbelievable like a tornado-hurricane hitting Pennsylvania and knocking Maddie, his Aunt Trinity and the whole funeral home out into the cold Atlantic—</p><p>“I wasn’t going to let you come alone,” he says at last.</p><p>“I’m not even really mad,” Maddie huffs out a breath. “Just been driving too long.” She yawns for good measure, sneaking a glance at Buck to see if he’s convinced.</p><p>“I’ll take over from here, if you want,” Buck purses his lips to prevent the smile that’s curling at the corner of his mouth anyway.</p><p>“That would be awesome.” Maddie pulls over to the side of the deserted 2-bit highway.</p><p>With Buck driving they cut their driving time by at least half. Maddie doesn’t complain because she knocked out the moment they got back on the road. Buck wonders when she slept last.</p><p>She still hasn’t woken up after they arrive so Buck takes a drive around. He sees the old burger joint next to the cycling shop where he had his first job. He passes by his old high school. The Y and the coffee shop his sister was obsessed with. The shitty pizza place with like 2 stars on yelp. Everything was just as he remembered but less…he doesn’t know. Just less. It doesn’t feel like a trap set especially for him anymore. It’s just a place. Where people live. And go out to eat and take their kids to school.</p><p>Not him though.</p><p>Buck surprises himself by pulling up his parent’s street. He rounds the cul-de-sac slowly, taking in the old place.</p><p>No one’s home. Or at least none that he can tell. The little one-story, brick and panel house squats on the leftmost side of the roundabout. It has a small front yard with small shrubs in front of the large window looking out onto the porch. Two rocking chairs that have seen better days are tucked behind the bushes. The front door is dark, and set so far into the face of the house so that the general effect is one of moody inhospitableness.</p><p>He notices a few differences. Like the metal post stuck in the grass with a patchy square flag that says “welcome!” in red white and blue. There’s also a tall trellis on the side of the house that’s obviously meant to hide the trash cans. But, the flowering vine meant to provide privacy is barely starting to creep up the woven wooden structure.</p><p>“Mm, Buck?” Maddie mumbles. “Buck, why aren’t we at the hotel?”</p><p>“Uh,” Buck says. He has the car idling a house down from their parent’s front lawn.</p><p>“Let’s switch,” says Maddie suddenly sounding much more awake. She hops out of the Jeep before he can protest that it’s fine.</p><p>She opens his door for him before he’s even unbuckled. “Maddie, I’m fine to drive.”</p><p>“Let’s just get us to the hotel,” Maddie replies softly, giving him this look that’s unbearably knowing. Buck almost says something. He doesn’t know what. Something stupid probably. Like the fact that he can take care of himself. Or that he doesn’t need her protection.</p><p>Or that he knows that if their parents were home they would be happy to see them. At first. Then they’d start ruminating about how Maddie got married too young. And how Buck dropped out of SEALs training. Buck would try to say something in defense of Maddie and his father would tell him not to speak to his mother that way. And Maddie would be quiet. (It’s something about that house. It’s so stifling it would quiet even the loudest cry for help. For mercy. Maybe it’s the carpet) And it would hurt Buck. But not as much as knowing that they would leave again and not hear from their parents for who knows how long. They would be angry and too-involved in things past. Things that don’t matter anymore. And then they’d disappear for everything in the future.</p><p>Poof. You mattered. But you don’t <em>matter now</em>.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It feels the same as never having mattered.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Buck exits the car, his head full, and the hole these thoughts make in his chest gapes open.</p><p>-</p><p>At the hotel, Maddie jumps in the shower to “wash off the road smell” (her words not Buck’s). Buck sets his duffel next to his bed and slumps onto the mattress. He lays there listening to the water rushing from the shower. Everything smells like clean and perfumed. The bedsheets are whitewhitewhite and begging to be stained. But, they’re soft and suddenly his eyelids are heavy and he’s turning on his side to press his nose into the comforter. He’s asleep before Maddie even shuts off the water.</p><p>-</p><p>The next morning, Buck watches his sister get ready for the funeral from his absolute mess of a bed. Sometime in the night, he must have kicked around because the blankets are all bunched up at the foot of the bed. And all the pillows ended up on the floor. He picks one up now to hug to his chest and lays on his back. He shivers. The AC is set so high it might as well not be summer outside. August. Chris was going back to school soon. He wondered if he and Eddie were going back-to-school shopping soon. Thoughts of Chris and Eddie inevitably brought him to thoughts of the firehouse and home. LA. Who knew you could miss the dry heat so bad.</p><p>“Buck.” Maddie waves a hand in front of his face.</p><p>“Sorry, what?” Buck says, voice hoarse from sleep.</p><p>“Last chance to change your mind,” Maddie raises her eyebrows hopefully.</p><p>Buck just presses his lips together and shakes his head silently.</p><p>“Okay. Well,” Maddie stops and starts, “meet you after?” She’s putting her purse on her shoulder.</p><p>“Yeah, call me?” Buck asks and she nods. “Oh, here.” He tosses her the keys to the Jeep.</p><p>“Thank you,” she says quietly. Maddie looks down at the keys in her hand, her lower lip wobbles but she turns to leave before Buck can say anything. He regrets letting her go alone the moment the door shuts, but he has plans of his own.</p><p>Buck rolls out of bed and strips to shower. He’s out in five minutes and ready to leave the hotel in ten. He thinks about calling a taxi but decides the ten-minute walk to the cemetery would be preferable.</p><p>When he arrives there’s no funeral procession in sight. Good, he hadn’t wanted to run into anybody. He wasn’t dressed for it. While Maddie and his family were at the church, Buck scoped out his aunt’s plot and bought flowers and laid them by her headstone.</p><p>It’s a nice a spot as any, Buck supposes. There are a couple of large oak trees surrounding this section. They ameliorate the heat by blocking out the sun, at least. And the grass is very green, almost yellow where the sunlight does manage to peek through. The cemetery caretakers haven’t brought the device that will lower the casket into the ground yet.</p><p>The hole gapes open at him and Buck can’t imagine, doesn’t want to imagine, his aunt being lowered down there. He knows, logically, that his aunt’s body is not his aunt. She’s not there. Not anymore. But, it’s just so permanent. It’s not 'see you in 5 minutes,' or even 5 years, it’s 'see you never.' He will never see Aunt Trinity again.</p><p>Buck closes his eyes to dispel the tears gathering there—no such luck. He sees <em>her</em> instead. She looks like his mom but happier. Golden hair, blue eyes, petite but not frail. She had freckles all over her face from gardening in the summer. He used to hide out at her house a lot. She usually left him to his own devices, hiding from demons herself. There were shadows, that Buck never saw, but from which he formed vivid enough images in his mind.</p><p>He never did meet his uncle.</p><p>And Buck doesn’t really know what to do in this situation, standing at the edge of his aunt’s empty plot surrounded by ghosts. Pray maybe. But, Buck doesn’t really pray. He does say goodbye though.</p><p>On the way back to the hotel, Buck impulsively pulls out his phone and calls Eddie. He answers on the first ring.</p><p>“Hey, what's up? You okay?” Eddie says, concern coloring his voice. Buck can’t see him, but he can tell Eddie’s frowning. Buck settles a bit in his skin just at the sound of the other man’s voice.</p><p>“Hey, everything’s fine. I’m fine,” Buck says and then stays quiet.</p><p>“Didn’t Maddie tell Chim that the service starts at 10 am?” Eddie asks, sounding confused. He has more questions, Buck can tell, but he’s holding back. Eddie’s been refraining from calling and texting, giving Buck the space he needs in order to get through this day. Buck feels a pang of regret for that. Eddie holds back a lot. Too much. Buck is supposed to be the one person who he feels safe to let go with.</p><p>“Uh, yeah.” Buck shrugs even though Eddie can’t see him. “I’m not going.”</p><p>“Oh,” is all Eddie says. There’s a lot in that single syllable. Mostly, Buck hopes, there’s understanding.</p><p>“What are you doing?” Buck changes the subject, trying to keep it light.</p><p>“My shift starts in the evening so, I thought I’d take Chris to breakfast before dropping him off with Carla,” Eddie says, sliding easily into the new topic of conversation.</p><p>“Oh yeah? Tell him I said hi,” Buck smiles weakly.</p><p>“I will! We’re about to head out, but, I’ll talk to you again before my shift,” Eddie promises. “And, Buck, if you need anything, don’t hesitate to call. I love you.”</p><p>“I love you too,” Buck says, flushing with warmth. He hangs up the phone, feeling marginally better about skipping the funeral. Mostly, he was avoiding his parents, which probably wasn’t fair to his aunt. But, Buck knows she wouldn’t mind.</p><p><em>One last time, Aunt Trinity, let’s do this one more time</em>, thinks Buck. <em>We’ll hide from them together.</em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This stems from another longer piece I've been working on but I haven't been able to nail down all the pieces yet.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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